Hogwarts Vs Evil Phoenix
by Serb
Summary: Something evil is stalking Hogwarts, and there is one man who can solve it...Severus Snape! Please ReadReview
1. Death of Dumbledore

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling.  
  
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'Happy birthday, Fawkes!' happily exclaimed Dumbledore,' I've bought you a present!'  
  
Fawkes the phoenix squawked from his perch in Dumbledore's office and flew down onto Dumbledore's shoulder, expectantly looking at the thing which Albus pulled out of the cardboard box.  
  
'It's a TV!' Said Albus,' I have taken off the wards in my office, so you can watch the television while I'm down in the Hall to watch the sorting. Be a good pet and sit calmly on your perch.'  
  
Fawkes obediently sat on his perch. Dumbledore cabled the TV and put a cassette into the video.  
  
'I'll put you to watch 'Die Hard' ,' explained Dumbledore,' Severus offered me this movie to watch. He says it's good.'  
  
Dumbledore went to the door.  
  
'Bye Fawkes!' he left Fawkes to watch the movie.  
  
Little did Headmaster Dumbledore know that it was a big mistake. Fawkes' eyes grew wide, as he saw the cruel ways of terrorists in movies...  
  
*******  
  
'Now children I would want to welcome you to a new year at Hogwart's !' announced Dumbledore, drinking from his goblet when the sorting was finished.  
  
But someone, or somebody, put something in the goblet that made Dumbledore fall down onto the table, his face going SPLAT! Into Minerva's strawberry cake that she had made herself for Albus.  
  
Now, everyone from the staff knew that Minerva's cooking is one of the worst food in the world, so when Dumbledore didn't wake up, something was seriously wrong.  
  
'Severus! Get a potion for Dumbledore! Quick!' cried out McGonagall.  
  
Severus ran as fast as his legs could carry him into his dungeons, grabbed a random potion from the 'Restricted' shelf, and went back to the Great Hall.  
  
He pulled Dumbledore's head up and poured the contents into the Headmaster's mouth. After a few moments, Dumbledore's eyes fluttered open.  
  
'Oh, thank God!' cried Julia Sprout,' he's alive!'  
  
But then Dumbledore began to have a seizure.  
  
'What's happening Severus?' asked frantically McGonagall.  
  
'Well, I took a potion from the restricted shelf and-' began Severus.  
  
'RESTRICTED Shelf!' screeched McGonagall,' What on earth-'  
  
Dumbledore doubled over the table and then belched out fire from his mouth, burning everything in sight. After a few moments, he calmed down, seeing the damage done.  
  
Almost every Hufflepuff in the Hufflepuff Table was burned to crisp( I hate Hufflepuff), the Ravenclaws had barely been damaged, Gryffindors have been burned badly, and the Slytherins weren't harmed at all! Draco was clapping like a little happy boy.  
  
'Do it again!' he cheered.  
  
But let's turn our attention on the Gryffindor table.  
  
'Harry!' screamed Hermione.  
  
Harry Potter was lying unconscious under the table, not moving. Ron cautiously touched his scar, when Harry's hand grabbed Ron's scaring the daylights out of the Weasley.  
  
'Hey! Don't touch that!' groaned Harry, black from head to toe, because of Dumbledore's fire,' It's top quality lipstick, you know!'  
  
'Harry, you're alive!' cried Colin Creevy like a baby, hugging the fake Boy Who Lived.  
  
Harry removed his soot-covered glasses, revealing perfectly white two circles around the eyes, where the fire didn't affect him. He looked like an idiot.  
  
Hermione was also covered in soot, and her bushy hair was standing straight up like a hedgehog.  
  
'Apparently, the potion didn't work,' she said in her know-it-all voice, still looking smart in her sooty robes.  
  
Once Ron found out that he was alive, he grabbed a nearby chicken and began chomping on it like a pig (as usual, * sigh * , Weasleys).  
  
Ernie Macmillan looked happily around, not noticing that most of his fellow Hufflepuffs were burnt, because he was a stupid Hufflepuff ( shame that he didn't die).  
  
Dumbledore once again regained his composure and looked around the room cheerfully.  
  
'Nothing wrong with me, don't worry,' he reassured (not noticing that most of the Hufflepuffs were dead),' Just a little tipsy, that's all!'  
  
Meanwhile, brainwashed Fawkes turned up the volume on the TV..  
  
And down at the Hall, Dumbledore continued his speech.  
  
'And to first year students I wanted to say-' began Dumbledore, when he was interrupted by Hans Gruber's voice from the movie that Fawkes watching upstairs.  
  
'- YIPPEEKIIIYAHH M*^&%$ F^*%$#!!!!' yelled the terrorist's voice.  
  
'No! No! No! That's not the message which I wanted to give to the first years!' defended Dumbledore, as Snape paled next to him, recognizing the words.  
  
'Is that your cousin, Severus?' asked stupidly Sprout next to Snape.  
  
Dumbledore had enough.  
  
'Alright students, the speech is finished. The prefects will lead you to your dormitories!' announced Dmbledore running out of the Hall up to his office.  
  
Once he arrived there, he looked at Fawkes, who was sitting calmly on his perch, giving the Headmaster an innocent chirp.  
  
'That's wasn't very nice Fawkes,' scolded Dumbledore.  
  
'Polly wanna cracker!' croaked Fawkes.  
  
Dumbledore chuckled forgivingly, and handed Fawkes a lemon drop.  
  
'Sorry, old boy, I can only give you lemon drops. No crackers here,' sighed Dumbledore.  
  
Fawkes looked shrewdly up at the Headmaster, but took the sweet without saying a word.  
  
'Now, I have to look at some papers sent from the Ministry,' said Dumbledore, taking a seat next to his desk, his back turned towards Fawkes.  
  
Fawkes took the opportunity to get off his perch and walk to the Founders of Hogwarts weapons. There was Gryffindor's golden sword, Salazar's silver spear, Rowena Ravenclaw's shining silvery blue arrows and Helga Hufflepuf's yellow axe.  
  
'My, my, does the Ministry have demands!' commented amused Dumbledore, still looking at the papers.  
  
But a dark shadow was creeping behind Dumbledore, a weapon raised high up over the Headmaster's head..  
  
'POLLY WANNA KILL!!!' screamed the shadow, plunging the weapon down at the Headmaster.  
  
After a vicious struggle, the former Headmaster of Hogwarts , Dumbledore, lay dead onto the floor, with a 2B pencil stuck up his nose.  
  
Author's Note: Yeah, I know it may sound sick, but Snape is coming up into the next chapter! Please Review! 


	2. Poor Hagrid!

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
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'Severus!' cried Minerva, tears streaming down her eyes, splattering her glasses.  
  
'What is it, for heavens sakes, woman?' snarled Snape.  
  
'It's Albus..' she whimpered,' he's dead!'  
  
Severus froze, then seemed to snap out of shock.  
  
'Lead me.' He said.  
  
She hurriedly took him to Dumbledore's office, and saw down on the floor the dead Headmaster.  
  
'This is how I found him,' she sniffed.  
  
Severus crouched down and touched the pencil that was stuck up Dumbledore's nose.  
  
'The pencil must have run right up to his brain, making it bleed,' murmured Snape.  
  
But Minerva McGonagall wasn't listening. She suddenly had a big, stupid smile on her face.  
  
'YES!!!' she screamed triumphantly,' I'm the next Headmistress of Hogwarts!'  
  
McGonagall noticed Severus was staring hard at her.  
  
'Oh... I mean..it is such a shame that Albus died,' she resumed her mourning.  
  
Severus got up, and looked out of the window.  
  
'Who could it be?' he wondered, as he watched Hagrid trying to bathe Fang in the middle of the Quidditch pitch.  
  
*******  
  
The funeral was a few days later. Dumbledore's death was such a shock to the whole school, especially the staff ( I mean, who would want MCGONAGALL to be the next bossy Headmistress?).  
  
After saying a lot of touching things at the funeral (most of them were lies, don't worry), it was time that Dumbledore's coffin was placed into the grave.  
  
'Wingardium Leviosa!' squeaked Flitwick, lifting the coffin into the air, and gently laying it into the hole.  
  
Unfortunately, Hagrid sneezed behind him, which made Flitwick lose conact with the spell, so poor Dumbledore's coffin fell down with a large thump onto the hard ground, almost breaking apart. So the coffin was buried sideways.  
  
As the teachers were walking back to Hogwarts castle, Hagrid excused himself and went to little toilet in the pumpkin patch, which was next to the yard. Hagrid was a bit sick nowadays, and had a terrible cold.  
  
He grabbed a piece of toilet paper and sneezed roughly into it.  
  
  
  
'That damn cold!' growled Hagrid.  
  
Suddenly, he spotted that one of his shoelaces were untied (he didn't wear his smelly boots to the funeral, only decent shoes which were hard to find).  
  
Hagrid crouched down to tie it up. But he didn't know that something was creeping behind him...  
  
Then, something grabbed his black beard, which was touching the floor! The thing pulled Hagrid up roughly into the air. Hagrid's eyes widened when he saw what it was.  
  
'No!..' whimpered Hagrid.  
  
The creature nodded, its eye gleaming.  
  
'Polly wanna kill!' it screeched.  
  
Last thing Hagrid saw, was that he was stuffed in somethind dark and smelly...  
  
  
  
'Professor!' barged Filch into Snape's dungeons, looking pale and shaking.  
  
'What is it Filch?' snapped Severus.  
  
'Another murder has happened!' whispered Filch.  
  
Snape jumped out of his chair.  
  
'Who is it?' he asked.  
  
'Hagrid.'  
  
Severus and Filch went down to Hagrid's hut, and Filch showed him to the toilet.  
  
'Another thing clogging the pipes!' grumbled Filch.  
  
Severus entered, and a shock met his eyes. Hagrid was kneeling next to the toilet, with his head shoved down the loo.  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Yes, yes I know this is sick, but don't take these insults and jokes seriously if they hurt you. This story is filled with black humor, and yes, Hagrid drowned in the loo. Please review! 


	3. Sprout's end

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
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'No one must know about this!' declared McGonagall, her nostrils flaring.  
  
'But Minerva...' began Severus when he was overrode by her.  
  
'Quiet! The Headmistress speaks!' she snapped.  
  
'That's right!' added stick up Sprout.  
  
'Damn, Dumbledore was even better than her!' thought furiously Snape.  
  
They were standing outside the toilet, discussing Hagrid's death. Hagrid's body was still inside, not moved from his place.  
  
'We will take the body into the Forest and leave it there!' announced McGonagall.  
  
'Really clever idea, Minerva!' Severus' voice dripped in sarcasm,' What excuse shall we give?'  
  
'We'll think of something.' Mumbled Minerva,' for now, help me with the body.'  
  
So they (McGonagall, Snape, Sprout and Filch) carried the body away into the Forbidden Forest, and left Hagrid in a clump of strawberry bushes.  
  
'Shame on the strawberries,' panted Sprout.  
  
They were carrying the body with their bare hands to the forest, until they remembered to use a levitation charm, but it was already done. Everybody was squashed under Hagrid's weight, until they finally threw Hagrid in the bushes.  
  
'Now, this job is done,' said McGonagall,' now we need an excuse..'  
  
  
  
'Did you hear about Hagrid?' whispered excitedly a fifth year Hufflepuff (one of those who survived) in the Herbology class.  
  
Ron nodded. Harry, however, looked confused.  
  
'What happened?' asked Harry.  
  
'McGonagall says that Hagrid went to the forest,' began Susan Bones (honestly, which other idiot from that house didn't die?),' because he wanted to...erm...do his business in the bushes, because he's toilet didn't work. Anyway, he didn't come back.'  
  
'What do you supposed had happened?' asked Hermione, shredding her Mandrake roots (they did these plants in the year before, but Sprout was simply retarded, and couldn't think of any other plant to give them).  
  
'I guess he had died,' simply said Susan, as if such a thing constantly happened in Hufflepuff (I'm not surprised if it did).  
  
'No wonder there was some horrid smell coming from that place,' sneered Draco (even if it was only Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, because Draco is everywhere),' that big oaf must be stanching up the place!'  
  
' Shut up, Malfoy!' growled Ron, having no idea why, because that was the line which he always had to say in every Harry Potter book.  
  
Malfoy rolled his eyes, because he knew that answering back to that idiot was a waste of time, and returned to his work.  
  
  
  
The class finished peacefully, and all the students left. Only Sprout was left behind. She hummed merrily, and inspected the plants.  
  
But one plant, a flower, behind her moved, moving upwards from the pot. A golden head of a phoenix poked from the soil, with the pink flower on its head.  
  
'Polly wanna cracker!' it whispered, and moved back into the soil, disappearing from sight.  
  
Spout strolled (she's too fat to waltz) to a giant Venus Flytrap plant.  
  
'Open your mouth, so I can inspect your teeth!' she gently ordered.  
  
The plant obeyed, and opened its mouth. Sprout leaned forward and frowned.  
  
'That's strange,' she observed,' why are there two pencils stuck between your teeth?'  
  
'Polly wanna kill!' sang in a singsong voice the creature behind her.  
  
Sprout was kicked on the rump by the phoenix, and landed into the plant's mouth...  
  
  
  
A few moments later, Snape, Flitwick and McGonagall ran into the room.  
  
There, the Venus Flytrap was sitting lazily in its pot, with a big, fat bulge in the green stem splayed on the ground.  
  
Suddenly, the plant gave an almighty belch, and burped out two pencils, and Professor Sprout's boots.  
  
Author's Note: You must all be wondering, 'Where is Snape?', and I'm thinking of changing this story for all HP characters. Isn't it nutty how Sprout got eaten by one of her plants? Oh well, one more down..Please Review! 


	4. Rest In Piss, Sirius Black

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
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Sirius Black woke up in his dog form, with bogies leaking out of his wet nose, of course. He wasn't away from Hogwarts, on the contrary-he was just outside the grounds.  
  
He took the bone that was lying next to him and went on his way. He wouldn't leave with his mutton shin bone, oh no, he wasn't letting it go. He didn't for nothing chew on it for the past miserable 5 years of his life. Besides, that was the only thing that he could eat right now (he gave up on rats last year- isn't he pathetic?).  
  
Sirius galloped down the field, and ran straight to the massive Hogwarts Doors. He ran all the way up the winding stairs, nobody noticing or paying attention to a big, dirty, hairy dog who was galloping like a drunken horse.  
  
He barged through the Charms classroom door, and jumped on Harry, who was sitting on the first desk. It was plain luck that he jumped on Harry, because he never looked where he went. Sirius immediately began licking Harry's face with his slobbering tongue.  
  
'Sir- I mean, Snuffles, what are you doing here?' gasped Harry, trying to take off the smelly Animagus, who didn't have a bath for 14 years, off his chest.  
  
'Now class, today we shall do Killing Charms,' ignored Flitwick the dog,' I know that they are illegal, but I don't care. We Ravenclaws are too smart to get caught by the law, along with Slytherins. We will test them on animals, before we start on people. Now this dog looks like a fine specimen...'  
  
'No Professor!' blurted Harry,' You can't kill this dog!'  
  
'Why not?' asked Flitwick.  
  
'Because he is Harry's Godfather!' burst out stupid Ron.  
  
Harry groaned. Flitwick, meanwhile, looked confused.  
  
'A dog..your godfather? I won't be surprised by you Gryffindors, especially you Mister Potter..' Mumbled Fliwick,' Very well, the dog may leave.'  
  
Harry gratefully kicked Sirius out of the classroom, but idiot Sirius wanted to get back into the class. Harry stopped him and whispered in his ear.  
  
'Don't worry,' whispered Harry,' I will meet you in the common room tonight. You know what to do, bring the Butterbeers and we get sickeningly drunk. And I advise you to take a bath-you stink man!'  
  
With that, he left Sirius, who had a big, stupid smile on his dog face.  
  
Sirius went around the corridors, until he bumped into McGonagall and Snape. McGonagall had been told this summer that Sirius was 'innocent' (even thought I wish he was dead), so she immediately recognised him.  
  
'How nice to meet you Sirius!' she exclaimed happily.  
  
Sirius was one of her favorite students, during her first teaching years. Sirius turned into his human form (finally) and still looked indifferent from his dog form. He still slobbered.  
  
'Here is the greatest trouble maker, the pain in the behind!' groaned Snape.  
  
Sirius immediately stopped slobbering.  
  
'Shut up Snape!' he snapped (it's amazing how he and Ron have the same low IQ!).  
  
Severus shook his head and went on his way, to terrorize the students in the school, except Slytherins of course.  
  
'There were murders!' whispered McGonagall,' teachers are getting killed. Julia Sprout was last!'  
  
Sirius just shrugged and turned into his dog form. He went on his way, which he didn't know where he should go. He roamed the corridors, and finally came up to the girl's toilets.  
  
A nice place to eat my bone...thought Sirius as he went inside.  
  
He sat in the middle of the bathroom, and chewed on his bone. But he didn't see, or hear, a sloshing noise coming out of one of the loos. Fawkes the phoenix put his head out of the loo and looked at Black.  
  
'Polly hates dogs!' he whispered, before he sunk back into the toilet.  
  
Sirius stood up from the dirty floor and looked around.  
  
Man, I'm thirsty, he thought, and I've got to wash up for Harry.  
  
He trotted over to the nearest lavatory. He peered inside.  
  
The water seems clean enough...he thought.  
  
Sirius put his head to drink and lapped the filthy water from the toilet. It was so nice..  
  
'POLLY WANNA KILL!' screamed a voice behind him.  
  
Sirius' bone came crashing above him, rendering the Animagus unconscious. The toilet seat soon banged on the dog's head, closing the lid. On top of the loo, Fawkes was perched proudly upon, he had a cruel gleam in his eye. He pulled the lever with his clawed foot, and the toilet was flushed.  
  
The teachers arrived too late to the scene of the crime, for the criminal was gone. All the found was a bloody bone, and Sirius Black in his dog form, crouching at the end of the loo.  
  
'Sirius!' screamed Harry, running over to the still form.  
  
He pulled the toilet seat up, and took Sirius' head out of the water. The mouth was still slobbering goodness know what in massive rivers.  
Author's Note: HAHA!!! Yes, I know that I'm sick, but the next chapter is worse! Review please! 


	5. You can fly too, Minerva

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
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McGonagall looked at herself in the mirror. This is the first time she's going out tonight, and she wanted to look pretty. She has to be careful too, so the creature that was stalking Hogwarts wouldn't kill her. Minerva didn't fancy ending up drowned in the loo..the Headmistress shuddered at that.  
  
By the way, Fawkes was missing for a few days. Well, it was none of her business, he wasn't her pet. His grandfather gave him to Albus Dumbledore. Minerva tried to imagine Dumbledore happily accepting a gift from a wizard who was even older than him by two generations. She failed.  
  
'Now, what shall I wear for tonight?' she pondered loudly, walking to her wardrobe.  
  
She opened the oak doors, and peered inside. There were her dresses, even the tartan one which made her look like a Celt in glasses.  
Minerva took out a green one. Too Slytherin. The next was yellow. What? She didn't want to look like an overgrown canary! Sprout made her buy that one. Oh, there are tears in her eyes. She always regretted buying that dress...besides, she didn't want to be like a Hufflepuff. Their intellect was too low to match hers (even if they have an intellect, which they never do).  
  
A black one. Was she going to a funeral? Minerva threw it aside. Plum? She wasn't gay like Lockhart, even if plum isn't a gay colour.  
  
There must be something...she rummaged through the wardrobe until she came upon the perfect one. It was a white nightdress. Perfect for her date!  
  
She slipped it on, making sure that no one from the keyhole watched her (as if one would).  
  
Then she went to the mirror, and decided to put on some make-up. Or muck- up. Minerva took a fluorescent green pencil and drew her eyebrows with them. Then she took blue mascara, and put it on her balding eyelashes. Then she finally took crimson red lipstick, and painted her wrinkly lips with it, making her look like a piranha.  
  
Minerva stepped back and looked at herself. Lovely! Time to go.  
  
So the Headmistress of Hogwarts left the room, her face looking like the clown from 'It'.  
  
('It' is a famous muggle book written by Stephen King, the author who wrote horror stories. 'It' was one of his most successful works.)  
  
********  
  
Fawkes was sitting in the Headmaster's study, watching TV (uh, oh). He was currently watching 'Peter Pan' with Robin Williams and Maggie Smith. But Maggie Smith reminded him of someone..  
  
'But Peter, Peter Pan really existed!' cried Maggie Smith (Wendy) from the TV.  
  
Fawkes' eyes grew large, as he watched more and more of the merciless movie. If humans wanted to fly, so be it.  
  
*******  
  
Minerva went up the stairs, smiling like an idiot, as she went for the Astronomy Tower. Soon, she was met by none other than Severus Snape, who was shocked when he saw her.  
  
'Good heavens woman!' yelled Snape, clutching his chest, 'I though you were a ghost, or a poltergeist, dressed in that white nightdress! Where are you going?'  
  
'That is none of your concern!' she snapped,' What about you? Trying to sneak into the Divination Tower again?'  
  
Snape was lost for words. McGonagall smirked.  
  
Then she decided to do something really stupid. She kissed Snape. Snape backed away, and ran off.  
  
'Everybody likes me!' thought triumphantly Minerva, as Snape spat out and wiped his mouth from the kiss behind her.  
  
Minerva happily went up the stairs, and went into the Astroanomy room. Her lover would be any moment now, Argus Filch wasn't usually late (!!!).  
  
Before, Albus Dumbledore was her secret lover, before he died. So she had to move on. A sexy woman like her in the age of 60 needed a man. So she chose Argus Filch, who was younger than her. Much younger.  
  
She sat next to the window, the wind rippling through her transparent nightdress, revealing what a lovely, wrinkly, rotten body she had. Minerva sighed. Where was he?  
  
But something was hiding in the shadows behind her.  
  
'Polly wanna cracker!' it whispered.  
  
Minerva didn't hear it. Suddenly, the creature flew over McGonagall's head, pulling her hat over her eyes.  
  
'Oh, Argus, you naughty boy!' she giggled, stumbling around.  
  
'POLLY WANNA KILL!' screamed the phoenix, grabbing two crayons, one red and one yellow, and stuffed them up her nose.  
  
It wasn't hard because Minerva in particular had very large nostrils.  
  
McGonagall's body fell out of the window, and fell from the tower all the way splat onto the ground like strawberry jam. It was so mangled, that you can't even recognize it.  
  
From the top of the tower, Fawkes flew around singing:' You can fly, you can fly!'  
  
Filch bounded into the tower, looking for McGonagall.  
  
'Minnie? Where are you?' he asked in a singsong voice.  
  
He looked out of the window, and grew pale.  
  
'Oh my, we've GOT some cleaning to do!' he mumbled.  
Author's Note: Sick, sick, SICK! Ooooh just you wait for the next chapter! Snape will be in it, a lot. Some smut in it too! No, it won't be slash, I don't write such stories. Just you wait! Please review! 


	6. Severus and Sibyl do

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
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It was a tragedy when everybody found out that Headmistress McGonagall had died. It struck the most the staff room. They were so sad, that the remaining teachers celebrated by most getting drunk of butterbeer, or even of whiskey (from McGonagall's private chambers: she kept it under her pillow, so every night she took a small nightcap, which resulted having half of the bottle drunk by morning).  
  
Severus Snape became the next Headmaster of Hogwarts. Students began to whisper amongst themselves that Snape had on purpose killed McGonagall, which seemed close to truth. No one knew, that it was actually Fawkes the phoenix who calmly sat on his perch by day, but at night turned into a cruel, bloodthirsty bird, worse than a crow.  
  
Only one person didn't join the party in the staff room: Sibyl Trelawney. The teachers were wondering where she was, so they sent Snape to find her. After all, he was the Headmaster and the only man in the room (Flitwick doesn't count because he's a dwarf, and Lupin was going on with his werewolf transformation, another reason to celebrate).  
  
So Severus was kicked out of the party, and he went upstairs to the Divination Tower. He came up to her attic, and went upstairs. There was Sibyl Trelawney, bent over McGonagall's dead form on a wooden table, and was carrying a butcher knife in her hand.  
  
'Sibyl, what are you doing?' asked Severus.  
  
'Dissecting for divination purposes,' answered Sibyl, cutting away McGonagall's stomach.  
  
Ah yes, looking at animal's intestines for the sake of divination. Another way to tell the future.  
  
'But Sibyl, she's not an animal,' said Snape.  
  
Sibyl pointed to McGonagall's tail. Apparently, McGonagall had been in the middle of her Animagi transformation, but was killed in mid process. Oh well, she's still a part cat.  
  
'Can you leave me the brain Sibyl?'  
  
'Why?' she asked curiously.  
  
'I need the brain for some...experiments.' murmured Snape.  
  
'What experiments?' Sibyl raised an eyebrow.  
  
' The experiments for the potions on the restricted shelf...' trailed off Snape.  
  
'Oh...alright.' Simply said Sibyl.  
  
Snape rummaged through his pockets.  
  
'I have something for you,' said Snape, taking the thing out.  
  
Sibyl gasped. It was a beautiful platinum necklace, with little diamonds encrusted in it.  
  
'It's beautiful!' she said in amazement.  
  
Severus told her to turn around. He tied the necklace at the back of her neck so tightly, that he almost choked Sibyl to death. Nevertheless, she survived, and walked towards the mirror and examined herself.  
  
She's so beautiful...thought Severus.  
  
He silently came behind her, and touched her neck. She shivered. Severus walked back to the table, and looked at McGonagall's miserable dead form. Oh to the hell with it!  
  
Severus grabbed McGonagall by the tail and pulled her body off the table, leaving a smear of blood. Well, that can be ignored.  
  
Sibyl turned around in a snap. She was staring at Severus as if he was mad, but she also thought what the hell. Sibyl always wanted to do that to McGonagall, since the Transfiguration teacher always bullied her mercilessly every time she went downstairs to dinner. This was also one of the reasons Sibyl rarely dinned downstairs. What choice did she have against the Deputy Headmistress, while she was only a Divination teacher.  
  
Snape growled and pulled her into his lap. She kissed him fiercely with passion, and he did so too back. Sibyl began to unbutton Severus' robes and black shirt underneath, while he unclasped her lilac dress.  
  
Their clothes fell down into a puddle onto the floor, and Severus set her onto the table. She gasped as he kissed her throat and went down to her navel.  
  
Sibyl put her legs around him and kissed him again. With no further ado, he entered her. The contact was so great, as they felt their souls join together as one. The pleasure rapidly rose higher and higher.  
  
Finally, they came up to a point of extreme euphoria, where they collapsed back on the table, breathing heavily. Their moment of passion had ended.  
  
Downstairs the teachers noisily celebrated, which ended up with Hagrid and Lupin(who returned from his transformation, morning had already come) arguing over which one of them has hairier chest and legs.  
  
*******  
  
But not all was peaceful as it seemed. Fawkes was looking through the window of the Gryffindor common room, where Hermione Granger was bulling Harry Potter and Ron Weasley into doing their homeworks.  
  
Fawkes flew away into the distance. It was about time to pay a visit to Dumbledore's barber and hairdresser, 'The Cut Above'.  
  
Author's Note: Ahhh..another chapter finished. I know that you people were expecting some great shag, but it will take some time. Those who still don't like this story, leave or I'll send mad Fawkes to get you. The Cut Above was the shop from Blow Dry movie (another movie where Rickman acts). Please review everyone! 


	7. Hermione's stickyer hairy end

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
////////////////////  
It was a wonderful morning that Hermione Granger had woken up to. The sun shone and the birds chirped annoyingly until they were finally shot down by Filch (Hagrid actually did that job, but he is dead and he loved birds).  
  
The rest of the girls snored loudly and were asleep in the Girls' bedroom. Hermione shook her head, because she would NEVER snore because she was a good little Gryffindor who excelled in everything and got up all the teachers' asses.  
  
Her job was to bully Harry Potter and Ron Weasley into doing their homework because she absolutely had no life whatsoever, but just hang around the library and read the same old book over and over again: 'Hogwarts: A History'. * No, I 'm not making fun of people who read a lot of books, actually I'm one of them. Book reading is fun, but Granger makes a bad impression of it and only had read: 'Hogwarts: A History'.*  
  
Besides, she hated that 'wooly' Divination, because it didn't make sense to her, and all the things that didn't make sense to Little Miss Perfect Granger were stupid and shouldn't be bothered with learning. She actually hated Trelawney because even Trelawney was more good looking than her (I mean, who would fall in love with a person with such a bushy hair as Granger?). She was as snobby as every Gryffindor, and wanted even more to look like McGonagall (BIG mistake).  
  
Hermione prided herself for being a Mudblood, because Mudbloods were better than Purebloods (which isn't at all true because it is some crap made up by Gryffindor lovers, and Cornelius Fudge must have been a stupid Hufflepuff mudblood).  
  
She wanted to make the S.P.E.W. to achieve her goals for making House Elves free (honestly, what are you HG/SS pairs authors thinking? No insult, please, I'm just showing my point of view and giving my facts).  
  
Hermione put on her fluffy pink slippers and waded off to the bathroom yawning and rubbing her unattractive brown eyes. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her bushy brown hair went straight up and looked as if it was in a washing machine for several hours. It would take time to comb it down.  
  
But first, she would brush her teeth. She took the toothbrush, put a digusting paste on it which her dentist parents had given to her, and began brushing her teeth.  
  
No matter what had happened last year, even Madam Pomphery wasn't able to fix her teeth forever. Last year, Malfoy sent an accident spell on her, which made her teeth grow long and stupid like rabbit's. She went off the Madam Pomphrey who fixed her abnormal teeth successfully, and had even made them look normal. But, sadly, it didn't last forever. Her teeth grew even more bucked than last teeth, and made her look like an overgrown chipmunk.  
  
Hermione brushed her teeth, but suddenly she heard a familiar buzzing of and electric razor behind her.  
  
Buzzzzz...  
  
'Polly wanna shave!' said a voice behind her.  
  
Hermione whirled around and spotted the creature. She screamed.  
  
'POLLY WANNA KILL!' shrieked the phoenix.  
  
A few moments later Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil ran into the bathroom and spotted Hermione dead on the floor, with the electric razor shoved buzzing up her nose, and all of her incredulous bushy hair shaved off.  
  
*******  
  
Severus Snape went down to the Headmaster's, his, office. It was a wonderful night with Sibyl, and he had Potions Lesson with the Fourth year Slytherins and Ravenclaws. He felt in a good mood. Severus just needed to get something from the office and he would go off to his rest day's teaching.  
  
He went through a painting of an old witch, which was a shortcut way to Dumbledore's-or his, new bedroom. Severus appeared in the bedroom at no time. Everything in there was changed from merry Gryffindor red colours to dark, black, green and silver Slytherin colours. He still missed his Head of Slytherin chambers.  
  
Severus walked past his bed, but he spotted something under his mattress. He walked towards it and lifted it. Severus put his hand there and pulled out...  
  
'Fawkes, you stuffed my mattress with HAIR!' roared Snape.  
  
Snape burst into the office, where Fawkes sat calmly on his perch, knitting a brown jumper that he had put on. He was finishing it off.  
  
But Severus noticed that there was something strange about the colour and the texture of that hairy brown jumper...  
  
'Where did you get that material Fawkes?' asked Snape, frowning.  
  
Fwakes stopped his knitting and looked at Snape.  
  
'Polly got this from Gryffindor,' announced Fawkes cheerfully,' it is good, quality, Gryffindor material.'  
  
Snape looked suspiciously at the jumper.  
  
'Could you make me some mittens from this material Fawkes?' asked Snape,' I need some warm mittens for the winter. You know the colors, green and silver.'  
  
Fawkes nodded. Before Snape went out, he asked Fawkes:  
  
'Why did you stuff the mattress with hair?'  
  
'Polly didn't know where to put the rest, there was so much!' croaked Fawkes.  
  
Snape began putting two and two together.  
  
'The hairdresser wants his razor back, he sent me a note.' Said Snape.  
  
'Polly will do so as soon as he finishes off his jumper.'  
  
'Fawkes, from whom did you get the material from?' asked Snape.  
  
'From Hermione Granger!' chirped Fawkes.  
  
Snape's head reeled. The jumper was made of Granger's hair, and he knew that Granger would never in her life shave it, only when she's..  
  
Oh god, and her wanted mittens to be made of her hair! EUGGHHH!!!  
  
Author's Note: HAHAHA!!!! So much black humor! So much horror! I hate Hermione, and no one can stop me! For all those HG/SS writers I'm sorry about the insults, but I'm trying to say that it doesn't make sense that they fall in love. If you don't understand what I'm saying, then read the beginning of the chapter again. In the meantime, please review! 


	8. Heil Polly!

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
I've also noticed that I have received a large number of flames. I thank those who were kind enough to give me compliments for this story, but for the flamers I just have to say that you people are so stupid! Don't you read the warnings at the beginning of the story? Also this story is a PARODY. Characters are supposed to die in it.  
  
////////////////////  
  
Snape made a grab for the phoenix, but Fawkes was quick, Fawkes was nimble, Fawkes had flown out of the window!  
  
'Oh God...' whispered Snape,' I've got to warn the school!'  
  
*******  
  
(At the Hufflepuff common room...)  
  
All the Hufflepuffs(who survived) were walking around this cheerfully brainwashing yellow room, chatting happily, unaware of all the bad things that were happening outside.  
  
But one Hufflepuff wasn't happy. Henry Macmillan was crying in the corner of the room for absolutely no reason, but he didn't notice something golden come beside him.  
  
Finally Henry stopped with his wailing and looked at the creature in amazement. It was a phoenix!  
  
'Don't cry,' said the phoenix,' Polly will make all bad things go away.'  
  
'How?' Sniffed Henry. All of the Hufflepuffs were now looking at the phoenix and the boy.  
  
Fawkes smiled.' You just have to trust me!'  
  
And then Fawkes started to sing:  
  
'I know how much you wish for intelligence,  
  
Show me your destiny,  
  
And I'll take you to the promised land.  
  
...  
  
Intelligence! Say and lead the way,  
  
Intelligence!...  
  
One Phoenix! One House! One ruler of all!  
  
King of the cod,  
  
Lord of the crab,  
  
Prince of the whales!  
  
Intelligence! Say and lead the way,  
  
Intelligence!..'  
  
All the Hufflepuffs sang along with the song, and Fawkes was put on a platform. He had a strong look in his eyes.  
  
My name is now Polly the Brainbird!' announced Fawkes.  
  
'Heil Polly!' saluted the Hufflepuffs.  
  
*******  
  
Meanwhile, Snape took out a dusty old microphone from Dumbledore's desk. It was covered in cobwebs because it hadn't been used since the attack from the basilisk from the Chamber of Secrets.  
  
'Every student return to their common rooms,' announced Snape from the microphone,' teachers gather round in the staff room!'  
  
From the Great Hall everybody heard the announcement and started panically to return to their common rooms. Only Ron Weasley was too stupid to know what was going on. He grabbed a few chicken legs and darted out of the hall and went to the closest bathroom, which was the Girl's Toilets. Ron normally doesn't look where he's going.  
  
Now, it was common knowledge that Ron was even stupider than Crabbe and Goyle (at least the two Slytherins didn't open their mouths to shout stupid stuff). Ron hated Slytherins. He was brought up by a family that bred like rabbits (or rats), who couldn't realize that making even more children would make them poorer, they all hated Slytherins. Even ugly little Ginny couldn't have a choice of her own. Poor, innocent, little Ginny.  
  
Ron stuffed his mouth with chicken and took a bite from Trevor (yes, Trevor, the frog, hope you don't mind me copying you Cheo!). But behind him, something gold flew over his shoulder.  
  
'Polly wanna kill!' said a voice above him.  
  
Ron looked up, and saw that he was staring face to face with a phoenix. Ron opened his mouth stupidly, and let all the chicken come drooling out. Fawkes grimaced.  
  
He soon put an end to Ron's miserable life, by stuffing a chicken bone up his nose. Fawkes rummaged through Ron's pockets and found a packet of crayons. He had an idea.  
  
Flitwick was passing by a few minutes later, and noticed something strange in the bathroom. He walked towards it and saw a shock.  
  
Ron's body was sitting on the lavatory, his head lolling, a chicken bone stuck up his nose, and words written with yellow crayons on his maroon jumper:  
  
'NOW I HAVE MORE CRAYONS! HAHAHA!  
  
ENEMIES OF THE HUFFLEPUFFS BEWARE!'  
  
Author's Note: OK, OK, OK, what's with you flamers? If you want to know, I HATE Sirius Black, Ron, McGonagall and many others. You can't prevent me from hating them. But I don't hat Hagrid and Dumbledore. They just got in the way. Of course wizards don't use pencils, but that doesn't mean that they don't have them lying around. Dumbledore is strange. Some of you said that even people with half a brain wouldn't read this. Then why are you reading it? Leave, if you want. Of course McGonagall is a bad cook, because she doesn't cook. You say Slytherins don't laugh, so you're saying that they are evil! Cedric Diggory was actually a stupid Hufflepuff, when he shared the Tournament cup he was noble, but not clever! How do you know that Godric's sword didn't come from a display case? Dumbledore left it there! As I said, it's a parody, so Fawkes here talks and murders people.  
  
The song 'Intelligence' was from the cartoon 'Help! I'm a fish!' but it is a bit changed. I found it appropriate for this chapter. The message from Ron's jumper I had copied from 'Die Hard'. Please review! Flaming would only show that you have a conservative mind! 


	9. The Boy Who Died

Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.  
  
I'm baaack! Did you think that you would get rid of me so easily? ////////////////////  
'So what shall we do?' asked Professor Sinistra.  
  
'The students shall be in their common room, and not allowed to go anywhere,' Severus shot a sharp look at the staff,' especially not the toilets.'  
  
'Who agrees with Headmaster Snape raise their hands!' squeaked Flitwick.  
  
Half of the staff raised their hands except Lupin.  
  
'I will agree with what Hagrid says!' announced Lupin, nudging an invisible person in the empty chair next to him,' Right, Hagrid?'  
  
'Err...Remus,' began uncertainly Vector,' Hagrid's dead.'  
  
'What are you talking about?' scoffed Lupin,' Hagrid isn't dead. Right, Hagrid?'  
  
Severus suddenly remembered a 'shocking' thought.  
  
'Lupin, did you look somewhere around my potion's cabinet?' inquired Snape.  
  
'No, but I was in your rooms!' cheerfully said Lupin.  
  
'Did you by any choice find a bottle of white powder, with 'Cocaine' marked on it?' asked Snape.  
  
'Yes! It was under your bed!' agreed Lupin.  
  
'What did you do with it?'  
  
'Well, I sold it to a muggle secretly...it's amazing why muggles pay so much money for it...until I tried some myself, and found eternal happiness!' grinned stupidly Lupin, swaying a bit.  
  
Lupin was immediately put in the Hospital Wing for healing.  
  
'Right.' Announced Snape,' So we go to our chambers, not use the toilets, never get out unless we finally beat Polly the Brainbird with his followers.'  
  
And off they went.  
  
*******  
  
Harry trudged down the hallway, going towards the Headmaster's office for something very important. Harry accidentally tripped over his always undone shoelaces in the common room, with everyone looking at him. His head hit the leg of an armchair, and pain rushed up his head, and his SCAR began to hurt. Harry thought that this was a sign, so he 'rushed' up to the Headmaster's office to tell his problems.  
  
But Harry was so stupid, he didn't know that his scar hurt because he his head against the table leg. Voldemort would do more important things than chasing a little brat around, like picking flowers from other people's gardens, because it was another one of his masterly plans. He would make the flowers alive, and they would kill their masters, by shooting petals up their noses, so the master dies of sneezing. A masterly plan is it? Only pureblood wizards have more sense than planting flowers like muggles in their back gardens (thank god I don't!).  
  
So Harry went up the moving stairs, and remembered what good times he had with stupid Ron and hairy Hermione. He really needed Ron's idiotic comments, so he could finally bash someone in the face without a reason. Harry began to cry.  
  
'Poor Ron!' wailed Harry,' Poor Hermione! Poor-oh, fuck Cedric! Poor Gryffindors! Poor Cho! Poor me!'  
  
'Oh, shut up!' growled Moaning Myrtle,' You're even worse than me!'  
  
So Harry went up the stairs, moaning, tears clouding, so he wasn't able to see where he was going. But he didn't notice something golden creep up under the stairs.  
  
'Polly wanna kill!' Fawkes said, but his words couldn't be heard over Harry's wailing.  
  
Fawkes made the stairs stop in mid-turning, so what they were facing now was empty space. Harry still didn't look where he was going.  
  
'Poor Dumbledore! Poor Hagrid! Poor McGonagall! Poor- AAAHHHHH!!!!' screamed Harry as he fell off the edge of the stairs down into his abyss, meeting his death.  
  
So that was the end of Boy Who Lived. Since this tragic death he was called The Boy Who Died.  
  
Fawkes flew back to the Hufflepuff dormitories, carrying explosives. He threw them into he middle of the room, while the Hufflepuffs gathered around.  
  
'We will defeat Hogwarts!' triumphantly yelled Fawkes,' And show who is the greatest of the Hogwarts four!'  
  
'Heil Polly! Long live Hufflepuffs!' cheered the Hufflepuffs.  
  
Fawkes gave an evil grin.  
  
'Bye-bye Hogwarts!' he pressed the detonator.  
  
The Huflepuff tower blew up, and like a rocket, exploded off the ground and sailed off into space, landing on the moon. Since this incident, Hufflepuffs never existed again in Hogwarts history. But if you look up at the moon at night, you may see a big whole in it where the tower landed. And you will know that 'intelligent' life lives in space.  
  
Everyone lived happily ever after this crappy ending. Snape and Trelawney got married and had children (who all ended up in Slytherin), no one was bother by idiot Potter and his fan club, Draco became the top star, Mad-eye Moody was banished from the wizarding world for being such an unfair grouch (last time I heard, he was killed by one of Voldemort's master plans *sigh * . He must have kept flowers in his garden * no wonder they wanted to kill him! * ).  
  
Neville Longbottom soon died afterwards when he 'accidentally' blew up a potion in Potions Class (he pretended to be bad at potions all these years. Did you really believe that someone could be THAT bad in potions? Anyway, he took it too far. Serves him right!).  
  
Argus Filch became Deputy Headmaster, who introduced another lesson for the first time in Hogwarts: 'Cleaning Class' . Every once a week, students all over Hogwarts will learn the art of sweeping, moping and cleaning the corridors. And Filch led that class.  
  
So, as you can see, everybody lived happily ever after. Let this be a lesson to you all: even if magic may sound cool, be still happy that you are an innocent, naïve muggle!  
  
THE END (A few months later, Voldemort conquered all the cornflakes factories!)  
  
Author's Note: Yay! Finished at last! Did you enjoy it? All of you flamers need to get a hobby (and I don't mean flaming). Maybe then you will be able to get a sense of humor. If the ending just made you more angrier, it was my pleasure! Like I care about your stupid flames! And you thought that you could make me take my story off? You're asking the wrong person. But all of you people who were nice, polite, reviewers then I thank you once again for showing me support. Because I even heard flames wondering about a TV?! Oh well, please review! 


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